Starting a Community

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Starting a Community

Here are several ways to start a community of kinky folk.

Say there's no BDSM event near you, or perhaps you want a specialty group that doesn't currently exist near you. It's relatively easy to create one. We've done this repeatedly over the years. The text below may look like a lot of steps, but just pick the ones that suit your style and needs.

We'll follow an example of creating a kitty play group in the San Francisco area. That's for people who like to become cats for some hours or days. The same process applies to create a BDSM community in Podunk.

Find out What already Exists

If you're in a metropolitan area like SFBA, there's already lots of things going on.

You'll want to check the local kinky calendars, like soj.org/calendar. There you'll find a monthly pony munch, and other animal role play events. Talk to the organizers and regulars. They'll tell you what's already being done, what works, and where to find other resources.
The calendars will also tell you which days to avoid. Offering an event that competes for your audience is counter-productive.
Also Google your topic, looking for local and national groups, email lists, events, and expertise. Google "kitty-play" alone, and with your location "San-Francisco", and with words like "BDSM", "leather", "fetish" or "kinky". Talk to groups any that appear non-commercial. You might find discussion groups like tribes.tribe.net/Dog-n-Pony which also covers kitty play.

Join Mailing Lists

There's always someone out there who shares your kink ("Ugol's Law"). You'll need ways to find like-minded people. General events or discussion lists for any alternative sexuality might be appropriate, including: leather, BDSM, kink, LGBT, poly, and tantra. Observe the tone and topics of other posters. Then gently ask about the things that interest you.

In this example, you'd find some national kitty-play lists, other national animal role play lists, and some local animal role play. Many of the kitty lists will focus on trading of commercial pictures, but some are for participants.

Start an On-Line Discussion Group

You'll want to start a mailing list for like-minded people you find. E.g. "SFBA kitty players". You can announce your activities there, build community, plan, as well as hold general discussions.

Some better places to host your list for free are:

Which one is best seems to vary over time, and according to your purposes. In our case, as we grew, we eventually created a list on all four, using Tribe mainly for discussion, and Google/Yahoo mainly for announcements.

Organize a SIG

Big BDSM groups like Society of Janus and TES allow members to create a Special Interest Group (SIG), for those sharing a specific demographic (e.g. kinksters under 35, or women who play with women), or sharing a specific kink (e.g. kitten play, or spanking). There can be advantages in being a SIG within a large, well-known organization. You should have some autonomy, while also getting advice, name recognition and many resources.

Start a Munch

A munch is non-play event, where a group of people who meet in a vanilla space (such as a coffee house, informal restaurant, or bar) to get to know each other. It provides a low entry barrier. Curious people can show up, decide the group is safe, and then approach. It also helps your attendees keep up the energy between play events.

We run a monthly munch, started in January 2003.

Tips:

Choose a place that's informal, inexpensive, and pleasant.
Choose a place that's quiet enough for conversation, but not so hushed that outsiders can hear you easily.
Choose a time when it's not crowded. You'll be more appreciated, easier to find, and more private. Sunday-Wednesday evenings are usually best.
Once your group is more than 4, phone the restaurant ahead of time. One of our own munches is usually 30-40 people. Some munches have sustained 80+ attendees. Others have been happy in the 6-12 range.
Once you have any size, provide the restaurant staff with some understanding of what your group is about. If you don't tell them something, their imagination may work against you. Don't use jargon. It's not "We're a bondage club", but "We're a group of adults who like to talk about things like tying each other up." Be (broadly) truthful, but don't give too much information. "We're some adults who like to role play as cats. Do you know the Broadway musical?", "No we're not all actors, but it's fun anyway." Or if that's too much, "We're a Computer Club." (Your announcements and discussion are via computers, no?)
Don't put off any other patrons. This is a business; don't jeapordize it.
Start out requiring vanilla street clothes. Later you might negotiate with the restaurant for light fetishwear.
Make it easy for newcomers to find you. E.g. typically a poly group has a stuffed parrot on the table near a host. A kitty group might have a stuffed cat, or an easy to spot vanilla cat collar or toy. A bondage club might have a short length of marine rope.
Create an identity label for your group, known to the venue and potential attendees. E.g. Ask for "the rope group", or "the computer club". We've known first-timers who didn't go to a certain munch because they weren't sure how to find it inside the restaurant.
Actively welcome newcomers. Gently approach anyone who appears to be looking for you. "Are you here for the group?"
Keep at it. Attendance usually grows slowly, and has hiccups.
Meet at least monthly, and try to keep with the same day, time, and location. When you choose your day, plan for the whole year - e.g. meeting on Fourth Thursdays will collide with various holidays.
Publicize your munch where appropriate people will find it, but not to attract lookie loos, or to out the restaurant. Announcing it as "the sex group" would likely attract some inappropriate individuals.
Value any restaurant and servers that treat you well, especially if they offer any of these features: good location, separate checks, tolerance of people arriving/leaving at different times, tolerance of unpredictable group size, tolerance of some people ordering very little, tolerance of fetishwear, private room (preferably without extra charge), and/or separate entrance. (Our current munch venue scores six of these, and we consider ourselves lucky.)
The menu will effect who shows up. Tastes vary widely - healthy food, junk food, breakfast any time, familiar food, inexpensive, etc.
Encourage your people to tip well (15-20%). Most munches add 25%+ to base prices, to cover tax and tip.
Try to collect email addresses from attendees, for a private reminder a few days before the munch, and also in case there are any last-minute changes/cancellations.
Requesting RSVPs has several advantages. You get email addresses. People make some level of commitment. You might be able to estimate numbers, though this rarely seems to work. It also seems to keep away the clueless element, who want to watch as anonymous outsiders.
It also creates a bit more work for you. Send a friendly, timely response to every RSVP. In our experience, roughly half the newcomers who RSVP actually attend, and about half the attendees RSVP'ed.
We regard requiring RSVPs as counter-productive at an informal munch.

Organize a "Descend On" / "Take Over"

In SFBA, there are several big dungeons and events catering to kinky folks. Some sort of general kink event or venue exists almost everywhere, although it may be underground. If you have a like-minded group, you can agree to meet at a general event, to get to know each other in a kinky setting, e.g. you might all agree to attend a certain open play party at SF Citadel. The couches area, and certain padded areas, are wonderful places to be kitties together, and get scritches from other attendees. The "Dog and Pony" conference encourages groups of animals to organize related functions.

If your location is small and doesn't have suitable play spaces, you might try a gay bar or LGBT center.

Tips:

Let the venue owners know you're coming.
Have some way of identifying each other. Kitty ears maybe. Or green carnations.
Make the hosts easily identifiable and approachable.
Have multiple hosts, of different demographics - male/female, top/bottom, older/younger, straight/gay. You will tend to retain attendees who can identify with a host or other regular.
If you're encouraging play, like a kitty pile, have some way to get it started. And make it easy for late-comers to join in.
Others at the venue may become interested. Have a card ready with contact info (e.g. you, the mailing list, and/or the munch).

Start a Face-To-Face Discussion Group

If your kink benefits from a lot of discussion, it's easy to organize a monthly discussion meeting. Typical venues are dungeons on weeknights, community colleges, LGBT centers, and members' living rooms.

Tips:

Create an emotionally safe space.
Permit flirting, but discourage heavy cruising.
Moderate the meetings so that certain individuals and topics don't dominate.
One effective format is one person introduces a question/topic. Then each person around the room gets a chance to give their first thoughts, without commenting on other people's comments. Passing (silence) is always an option. Once everyone has had their first turn, then the floor is open for general discussion.
It can help to preview the topics on your discussion list before the meeting. On your email list, call for proposed topics, so everyone can see them.

Other Resources

sensuoussadie.com/resources/startinggroup.htm
LeatherLeadership.org Leather Leadership Conference, LLC

Conclusion

I often hear people bemoan that their kinky needs are not met. There's no "them" out there, whose job it is to meet our needs. There's just us - i.e. you. You might find someone and persuade them to create what you need. Or you can take the easy route, and create it yourself.

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