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Q. I hear the Primal parties are supposed to be similar to the Black Sheets sex party that used to operate in San Francisco. That party was primarily for gay or bisexual individuals, although it welcomed all gender orientations. Is that true of Primal?
Primal is aiming for a similar queer-identified, sex-positive environment as was found at the best Black Sheets and Queen of Heaven parties.
Most attendees are gay, lesbian, transsexual, intersexed, bi, or cross-dressing.
The Primal parties are alternative sexuality parties for queer and queer-friendly adults, celebrating all genders, orientations, and preferences. Anyone 18 or older with a positive, personal interest in playing in an environment celebrating sexuality in all its flavors, colors, shapes, and expressions, is welcome to apply to attend.
If you're a straight guy, please see our special note.
Q. What gender orientations might be present and is there a focus on a certain type?
This party isn't targeted towards any *one* gender or orientation -- it's geared to include them all. It's kind of amazing what happens when you mix up the energy that way. If you've ever experienced it, we don't really have to explain. If you haven't yet experienced it, let's just say we highly recommend it.
So, no focus on any certain type -- more a focus on 'welcoming of others.'
Q. I've been to some queer events that didn't really welcome bi's. Is this really a bi-friendly event?
Primal is a queer event -- and that includes someone who identifies as bi. Bi folk are a major part of the demographics.
Anyone at any point along the Kinsey scale, who is clueful about mixed energy spaces, is welcome to attend. We expect all attendees to be respectful of one another's orientations, preferences, and predilections.
Q. Some events I've been to have had 'couples and single women only' rules, to achieve gender balancing. Is that going to happen at Primal?
We've also been to events that have tried many variations of limited admission, or tiered pricing, or "couples and single women" to achieve something called gender balancing. The trouble with those approaches is, you have to start off making certain assumptions about gender, what constitutes a relationship grouping, or what exactly you consider a balance, in order to do that.
We're trying to get away from putting sexuality into restrictive boxes.
We're combining five different techniques that in the past have achieved a comfortable mix of people, without any need to label or discriminate. In practice we've achieved a balance of about equal numbers of attendees who identify as male or female, and a large portion who identify as "other, both, neither, etc."
Q. Why is the series called Primal? Is it intended to have primal play, like growling, and scratching, and clawing?
Primal was chosen to recognize sexuality as a primal force. We're creating a space with the kind of safety and acceptance for our attendees to be able to unleash and fully enjoy that force.
Feel free to growl if the mood strikes you.
Q. Are you trying to turn everyone bi?
Hardly. Only about half our attendees identify as bi. And we'd be very surprised if attending one event flipped anyone. Most of our attendees are pretty clear and comfortable with their own sexuality.
Plus we've already got plenty of toaster-ovens.
Q. So why would an X want to attend this party if it's not all about me? (for X = any, e.g. butch, femme, gay leatherman, straight woman, etc.)
Admittedly, if you're just out to cruise a specific demographic, there are probably better places that focus on just that.
One of the big things that people enjoy about Primal is the freedom from negative cultural messages. Many people come just to be around a wide bunch of people who don't have those damaging attitudes and assumptions.
And lots of people go because being around so much joy and sexual variety feels empowering to them.
Q. Couldn't that be upsetting?
Most of our attendees already have experience in mixed environments. For newcomers, it can be a fast learning curve. It might make you question some assumptions about gender, relationships, power, pleasure, roles, etc.
Admittedly, this can be a challenge for people with homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, heterophobia, or similar internalized issues. But we don't see it much at the parties. Either attendees process well, or they hide it well. Mostly, we think it's just an amazing group of people.
Q. I've been to some sex clubs before, and didn't like them much.
We didn't either. Primal discourages most of the things that turn off so many people - heavy cruising, stereotyping, competitiveness, etc. We hope you'll find it a refreshing change.
Q. I've never been to a sex club, and don't think I'd be comfortable.
That's a decision you'll have to make for yourself. If your only images come from popular media, they won't help you know what to expect here.
Pause to try to find out what aspects you don't think you'd like. If you're not comfortable being in the same room with people exploring their sexuality, then don't come. Likewise, if you treasure a narrow view of what constitutes acceptable sexuality.
On the other hand, most people are made uncomfortable by other factors that don't apply here. There's no pressure to participate. There's no one following you, or groping you (unless you ask nicely). There's no pecking order of attractiveness. There's no sexual standard to conform to.
Q. So, what do you mean by sex, anyway?
For us, sex is not nearly as limited as mainstream media would lead you to believe. The variations for sex play are amazingly numerous, and include such things as cuddling; massaging; oral, vaginal, or anal penetration with something; fellatio, cunnilingus, and handballing (or fisting) - to name a few of the basics. It also includes stimulating any erogenous zone in any way. And anything can be an erogenous zone.
Q. If I attend Primal, will I be expected to have sex?
No, the same expectations we have for any good party apply - you do what you feel comfortable doing, and don't feel obligated to do more. Maybe you'd prefer to get hot and bothered, and then take that energy home with you. That works, too, as long as energy at the party remains additive. No "lookie loo" or "wanker" energy desired.
Q. Is this going to be like a massive orgy, or something?
While there may be groups of people who choose to engage in sexual activities together, this does not mean it becomes a sexual free-for-all. People who are involved with group sexual scenes are people who have been invited into that group. Nonconsensual touching, or intruding on other people's space, is not allowed.
Q. What if I just want to watch the sex?
At sex parties, watching the sexual activities of others can be very hot, and there is a symbiosis between exhibitionists and voyeurs. But watching is done respectfully, without intruding, or gawking, or becoming an energy vampire.
If someone's behavior becomes intrusive on the scenes of others, or makes others feel uncomfortable or unsafe - even if that behavior is "just watching" - they will be asked to desist or leave.
Q. My partner and I are fluid bonded. Do we still have to use safer sex supplies?
For a number of reasons, including SF DPH policies, everyone must comply with safer sex guidelines.
The venue requires latex barriers for all anal play, penis-vagina sex, fisting, rimming, and any sort of blood play. It is highly recommended for oral sex, penetrative toys, and any potential exposure to body fluids. Primal provides condoms, plastic wrap, lube, and gloves.
If you forget to use barrier protection during a Primal party, a Monitor will place the appropriate barrier near you, trying not to interrupt you. Please take the hint promptly, and use the protection. We don't want to ruin anyone's fun, but we have a responsibility to the venue to uphold their rules and city law. If you don't take the hint, then we have to interrupt your scene, and everyone loses.
The venue's rules (phrased for BDSM parties) can be found at sfcitadel.org/rules.html, and are also posted in the venue.
Q. Am I going to be able to do regular BDSM play on Primal party nights?
The focus is sex play, very broadly defined. Some people separate their BDSM and what they call "sex" (for many of us, the lines aren't drawn that way), and this party is more about what they would consider sex.
While we wouldn't say there will be no SM play taking place during these parties, we will say that's not the primary focus of Primal parties, the way it is on other party nights at this venue. And the more disruptive forms of BDSM will not be permitted at this event; see the rules.
We're trying to create a different energy on these nights. For many people, hearing someone screaming from pain, or watching a humiliation play scene, can cause difficulties for arousal.
Q. I thought the venue was a BDSM dungeon. Why can't I just do BDSM?
Primal gives an opportunity for people who enjoy sex play to focus on sexual arousal and climax in a quieter, more subtle environment than your typical dungeon party. It's not easy to have that kind of focus when someone's cracking a singletail within a few feet of your space, or the bottom in the space next to you is screaming from pain.
There are plenty of other opportunities on the calendar for you to do the other kinds of BDSM techniques.
If anything, there are more forms of play happening at Primal than at an ordinary BDSM party, just less of the noisy grandstanding.
Also, most BDSM scenes require a lot of space. Primal has three times as many attendees as a typical dungeon party in the same space. Best to keep it compact.
Q. What kinds of activities or special events can I expect there?
Each party has a theme, and usually more than half the attendees do something (costume, etc) to have fun with the theme.
Don't be surprised if there's a live band, live DJ, dancing opportunities, naked servers, rituals, non-sexual massage service, party games, demo scenes, performers or other events going on. Some will be announced, others not. Most will be early in the evening.
Q. What am I supposed to wear to a Primal party?
First, Primal parties are clothing optional events. If you want to come in and get naked first thing, feel free. You won't be alone. Full or partial nudity is a popular option.
Each Primal party has a theme, to give a unique flavor to each night. A theme includes suggestions for what type of garb or costuming attendees might wear, if they wanted to come "dressed" for the theme. Beyond that, any type of lingerie or fetishwear or sexy outfits are also acceptable.
What we mostly don't want is for people looking like they just came in off the street, dressed like they would to go to a ballgame, or the movies, or other vanilla settings. We want people to become engaged in the spirit of the evening, instead of just being there to gawk at naked bodies. See the full Dress Code.
Q. Why do many people end up naked?
Because they can. Most attendees like the freedom, both from clothes, and from harassment, and from being judged by their bodies. Naked people shed many of society's constructs and limitations.
It's important to note that our naked people are not that way for your entertainment. Gawking or crude remarks would get you ejected.
Q. Are there volunteer opportunities for Primal, the way there are for other parties?
Why, yes, and we're so glad you asked.
Party organizers rely on enthusiastic and responsible volunteers to help make wonderful events like Primal happen. While there are some differences to the party itself, and a slight difference to some of the work required, for the most part, the same type of volunteer opportunities exist.
We need set-up, door, food, and clean-up volunteers to perform about the same duties required for any other party.
We need volunteers for cashier, preferably who have cashiered for dungeon, sex party, or similar events.
Our monitor duties are slightly different, as the emphasis shifts from facilitating safe SM play, to providing a safe sexual environment - both in terms of using safer sex supplies, and in making sure everyone feels safe in the space.
If you are interested in working a volunteer shift, please see volunteers.php
Q. What are the logistics?
First you find the venue. Outside there is no signage, only a street number and rainbow and leather pride flags.
The doorperson or front desk may ask to see an ID to prove you're at least 18, and will offer you a set of rules to read. The front desk will ask you to sign that you agree to the rules. They accept your fee, and check that your name and email address are on our membership list (i.e. membership of our Yahoo mailing list) That's the only money you'll need - there are no hidden costs. However, if we have a live band, they usually have CDs and fun swag for sale.
You go through a leather curtain (the beginning of the clothing optional area), and there's a changing area with (free) lockers. Use any available locker (locks provided), and tell the desk/door which number you've used. (They usually write it on a list and on your wrist.) There aren't enough lockers for a big event like Primal, so try to share with the people you come with. You may not wear street clothes past this point. At the end of the night, leave the locker empty and unlocked.
Especially if you're arriving late, you might bring a bag or backpack to hold your street clothes.
Starting in 2008, you'll need to bring your own lock to use the lockers.
Q. When do people show up?
More than half the people arrive in the first hour. Some people play immediately, but most take an hour or so to relax and socialize. Generally there's a lot of play from 9pm until almost closing time.
Q. How will the space be setup?
We change things around a lot from the usual setup, and each Primal is a little different. On the ground floor is a large social area, with couches and mingling space. Snacks are provided, but you should eat a full meal before arriving. The kitchen area is off limits.
The music is kept at a lower level for easy conversation. We play a very eclectic mix, including obscure gems and occasional camp surprises.
Mixed with the couches is the upstairs play area, with elevated bed and some other play stations.
At the back are two private, unisex toilets and stairs to the basement. Please don't monopolize the scarce toilets by changing in them. There is another stairs at the front.
The entire downstairs is playspace, with many mattresses, futons, and beds. There are also slings, a padded bench, padded tables, medical tables, MASH beds, cages, and other fantasy furniture.
The area is divided up by many curtains, creating a diversity of spaces. Some are butch, some femme. Some are exhibitionistic, some for the shy. Some facilitate group play, others suit private couples.
No spectator talking in the downstairs areas.
The lighting downstairs may be more subdued than most dungeon parties. You can still see what and who you're doing.
You may play on any surface that's covered by a sheet, or easily washable. No playing in the food areas, the entranceway, stairs, or toilets.
Q. Are there any private places?
There are some quiet areas where you can get a lot of privacy from other attendees. Some people watch a lot, then retire to a more secluded corner for their own fun.
However, SF DPH rules require that monitors be able to check that rules are being followed. So there is no truly private space. Our monitors are skilled at being discreet. Unless they need to enforce a rule, you might not notice them.
Q. How many people show up?
It's always hard to predict. So far, the events have very well attended.
Despite our being quite selective about publicity, we will reach the building capacity at some party soon. If that happens, first priority will go to those who've RSVPed.
Q. What are the demographics?
Primal is one of the most diverse parties we've attended. All points on the Kinsey scale attend, with the majority 2-6, LGBTI. Nearly every imaginable gender. Most folks are kinky, some are pure vanilla, and many are hard core BDSM. Ages range from 18-80+. All body types. There's a high proportion of trans and intersex folks.
Q. With such a range of people, how do I find someone who's interested in what I like?
Talk to people (even ones you're not interested in - they may know someone). Watch body language. Listen carefully. Say what you're into. Be approachable.
Maybe bring a date.
Q. What do we talk about?
Talk about enjoyable things - vacations, food, shows, movies, parties, faires, hobbies, books, clubs. Talk about new sex toys, or scenes you've seen, or erotic venues or shows.
Avoid complaining or criticizing. Avoid talking about things that remind people of the outside world - work, politics, bills, crime.
Q. So is it BYOB?
Nope. The venue is not a private house, and so has to comply with stricter standards than some other events. It is a clean and sober space, and doesn't permit drinking, drugs, or smoking of any kind on premises. One lapse and they cancel all future Primal parties.
Frankly, the event and the attendees should be stimulating enough.
Q. Do I have to join tribe? Do I have to RSVP?
This is now a private, invitational event. To get in the door, you'll need to be on the dedicated Yahoo mailing list. You might also want to join our discussion group on tribe.net. Future event announcements will usually only appear on these two lists.
In order to prepare enough food, etc, we'd appreciate an RSVP. Not required, but sure is nice.
Q. What about Venue membership?
The first Primal party required that you be a Venue member or guest of a member. However, Primal is now a private, invitational party. You no longer need a venue membership for Primal. Nor is a venue membership sufficient to enter this party.
Q. What about bringing guests to Primal?
A past Primal attendee can bring up to three guests with them. If you bring a guest, you're wholly responsible for their behavior. Only bring someone who is fully informed, and you know will fit into the party atmosphere. If your guest misbehaves, you'll both be disinvited.
We'd apprecite knowing about your guests in advance. We'd much prefer that they / all attendees join our mailing list(s) individually.
Q. What about advertising the event?
It is NOT OK to forward the announcement to any list without our permission. This is a private, invitational event. There are certain types of energy we need to exclude.
It is OK to mention the event to one friend whom you are sure would be well-behaved. It is OK to introduce potential attendees to us before the event.
It is NOT OK to post the location anywhere.
It is NOT OK to troll for a date on craigslist or similar.
Q. What about other, non-Primal parties at the venue?
More general information about attending events at SF Citadel can be found at sfcitadel.org and edukink.org/articles/first_parties.html
Check back again. This list expands as more questions are asked.
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